Productivity Hacks for Procrastinators

Many times it happens that I don’t like to do anything. The bed calls me and I go all the way on it to hump it in missionary style. After reading the title if you’re wondering about the content, then let me tell you that it is not procrastination that I promote or follow even though my activities on an average day might suggest that I am doing so.

There is a saying that something is better than nothing. Since better is one level up when we take good into consideration, a simple deduction leads to understanding that something is better and nothing is good. Now, I consider myself good enough at doing a few things that include making drawings that art galleries refuse to showcase. Again, from basic comparison and deduction, it makes me do nothing because it is ultimately what I am good at! Nothing. Read that once again if you have an IQ lower than Stephen Hawking’s and you’re reading this in Google Chrome. For average IQ people like me, there is an illustration below to understand this rocket science piece of simple shit.

2018_07_26 21_32 Office Lens~2.jpg

Since haters are gonna hate, I have a big claim to make. If somebody from Silicon Valley is listening, this pertains to you. In the following few hundred words, I will be sharing my experiences on how I built some advanced level work and life skills by improving my productivity that too by doing nothing. A coder somewhere just went awe. Let’s make him bedazzled.

The first thing I do when I wake up is plucking some Tulsi leaves. I wash them and then swallow them with water. Those who came out from the womb of an English speaking mom, Tulsi means Basil. Many people like me believe that such herbal remedies make you healthy and boost your immunity. Whether such a miracle happens or not, who cares. It’s a fucking Tulsi leaf and not some itch killing toxic laden talcum powder. It won’t harm. First lesson learned. What doesn’t kill you makes no impact on you so go ahead and do such acts that don’t kill you. Chew Tulsi leaves.

Then I do nothing because I am good at it. This time nothing means scrolling through YouTube and watching some dumb ass things that won’t matter to me. Count DIY crafts and already watched Stand-Up comedy videos in it. Then post lunch, I sleep because it is healthy to take a nap. Whatever may be the scientific take on this phenomenon, who cares. I feel lazy so I sleep. I didn’t tell you about breakfast. I don’t have it because if I have it, I’ll have to sleep after having it. That will make me miss my lunch. So no breakfast. Second lesson learned. Delegate unnecessary things for later to earn more time to do things that seem worth doing. In this case, the thing worth doing was to watch YouTube.

In evening I plan to go for walk because that’s where I’ll plan for the night. During the walk, I think of some ideas that I can work on to build an empire of business bigger than the combination of Facebook, PornHub and GTA that brings money to my bank account while I sleep. Big people call this concept passive income. I also call it the same because I am passive in my actions and have no income. While thinking about such ideas I get lost in imagination and begin to create strategies to spend my coming years in the luxury of bathtubs with beauty pageant babes swimming in it. On my way, while I walk, there are street dogs. If they bark at me, I run after them. If they don’t, I still run after them and in response to that when they bark at me, my running towards them gets unconsciously justified. This I do to scare them away because displaying power over them makes me feel bold. I have big businesses to run in the future and I need to be bold so that I can run them. Third lesson learned. Doing the things that you are capable of doing well makes you bold. So do them and become bold.


Post dinner I feel dizzy. But there is work to do. The movie collection I have awaits my presence in front of the laptop screen and attendance there is more important than it is at any worship place near my house. So I plant my rear on the bed and watch a movie. The movie must be such that it makes me think about something that me and my grandfather are not concerned with. Like mass murders of blonde kittens or incestuous relationships between corpses in a morgue. After the movie is finished, I sit and think about what happened. Fourth lesson learned. Sit and think and ponder and reflect over nonsensical stuff so that the mind remains in good shape. I then read the Wikipedia page of the movie. And the director’s too.

Now comes the time to actually do something. Since I have a lot of ideas in my head that need to be formulated, I close my laptop. It is unwise to use screens at night because doctors say that it hurts our sleep quality. I take out my notebook and write some ideas in it. I have become enough bold to write ideas but not enough thoughtful to work on them. I then close my notebook after planning a movie for the next day. Fifth lesson learned. Plan the next steps in advance so that you spend less time wasting and more time doing nothing because nothing is good. I clean my bed and prepare for sleep.

Before sleeping I get this urge to do something worthwhile. So I smoke a cigarette and get a good night kiss from the filter. The best kiss I have ever received was from the white filter of Marlboro lights. Sometimes I like to taste the dark filter. In that case, I smoke Black. After this session of intimacy with nicotine and tobacco is over, I rush to my bed and sing myself to sleep. Since my vocal cords are not as good as Kurt Cobain’s, I play a song on my phone and sync my lips with the lyrics. Sixth lesson learned. The things that you can’t do, try to do them with as much energy and resources you have at a given time and place. Then I sleep.

That’s how my day is spent while doing nothing and building skills on the way. I hope this message went to a lot of self-hating people who think their present birth is a waste of time and productivity of an employee decreases with age. The former as well as the latter might be false, but who cares. I am good at nothing. Are you? Now I have to sleep because the Tulsi leaves will be awake tomorrow morning and I have to pluck them.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s