Never Be Any of These Men, Never Ever

I am waiting for the day he stops bothering me with his efforts

– The woman you recently sent “Wassup”

Every guy has been there and done that. You know what. I surely have. Don’t lie, you know it inside how you were back then. But the thing is that the degree to which a man will lose his sense of basic common sense, that degree depends totally upon how out of his league she is. She can be anything as long as she is a smiling female who has no dedication or motivation to talk to you. Or me. We’ll fall for her. And she’ll block us. Too much to ask for the concern of romance. Isn’t it? No matter how grammatically correct your texts are and however low your response time is in responding to her status updates with “Osom” (read Awesome you fool), she is not going to text back. Take my words on it and mark them on your forehead where presently “I’m trying” is written. Now, guys are a hard nut to crack in real life although a moan from even a goat can make them nut real hard during sex and this problem of men bothering women needs to be stopped by women by giving men what they need. A very high dose of self-reflection and a massive slap to their self-respect. The former will come only when they witness the latter. For those women and girls and females and ladybugs who are tired of men trying to navigate their ways to your heart which they obviously think lies between your legs, for those ladies, are the next few thousand words. We’ll see what kind of enthusiast is the guy who’s aiming for your attention and carefully understand his nature, behaviour and most importantly, how to get rid of him as soon as possible. Because you don’t want him to show up at your office with a bouquet and a bottle of champagne. God forbid he brings along his mother with him. Read with me.

This is the guy who starts his day by saying “Good Morning” to all the women in his broadcast list, on his social accounts, those walking on the road and even his neighbour’s female fish. Then he proceeds to make your life terrible and painful by asking how your day was and throwing in your face some other niceties. He’s not nice, you already know. With the face of a wannabee boyfriend and traits of a wimpy ass virgin teenager, this guy is the epitome of friend-zone for a lifetime and forever and to the moon and back. This is the child who failed to grow up after he stopped receiving female touch ever since his mother gave up breastfeeding and bathing him. And if you accidentally brush against his arm or in a very good mood happen to give him a hug, he’ll definitely ejaculate in his pants. The way to keep yourself away from such losers is very simple and easy. Tell him you’re a lesbian and explain that it is okay for girls to do “stuff” with girls. At this point, he’ll persevere and talk you into trying “stuff” with him because you know, he might make you a bisexual if you at least do “stuff” with him for once. Reply by saying that you fuck girls with a strap-on dildo which is nine inches long and thicker than an electric pole. Since he doesn’t have a vagina attached to his crotch, would he like to choke on that dildo or take it in via his rear-end? What say? In the next two seconds, you’ll see him run in the direction opposite to yours towards an asylum, screaming with anxiety throughout the way.

This can be any guy you may encounter in public transport or public place and these days they’re quite common to find on social media. Or rather it can be said that they find you on social media. He’ll see your posts and text you “Show Bobs”. The problem with him is not his perception that it is very well mannered to ask unknown girls and MILFs to show their “Cutie pie”. The problem with him is that he relentlessly acts on this perception. Despite having a face similar to a deflated dick, he still has the audacity to think that hot chicks are out there to send him their naughty pics once he asks them. But leaving all this aside, it is very easy to spot him. He’ll keep on messaging you irrespective of the fact that that you are not at all interested in replying to him. On top of this, he obviously has a look which only he can praise while looking in a mirror. To poop on a pile of vomit he’ll go the extent of showing you the size of his package. To that, you can reply by telling him that it is too small to even see, let alone penetrate. He’ll get angry and say that he can make women (you included) cum in ten seconds. Bear with his misconception. Next minute, tell him to apply his cum on his face and get a life. His tiny little pride and dick and ego will be crushed and a line of abuses will come rushing at you through the phone screen. Report him and the rest of the care will be undertaken by social media user sanity protection department which handles desperate dumbasses who behave in perverted ways with the opposite sex on virtual mediums. You’re welcome.

Beyond a certain age, men start to look like a sexual predator who goes around ladies toilets asking 12-year-old girls to help him unzip and hold it while he pees. Not exactly they say this, but along these lines they sound. Such 40-year-old (and above) uncles have a habit of invading the privacy of women who happen to be their colleagues, students, interns and might as well be their relatives. This man with a bald patch on his head will have the stereotypical fatherly figure stand on everything because he has very high hopes of becoming a sugar daddy since his equipment is as useless as a hole within a doughnut. The very talk of a hole made one uncle reading this take out his tongue. Yuck. To compensate for his erectile dysfunction, this overly perfumed and groomed man will offer you money, promotion, foot massage, weekend trips and hours of rants about his slutty wife. To play with his time, make him excited and if possible, also help him realize that all his excitement is mental and he is the physical equivalent of a domesticated dog who can lick, but can’t fuck his bae. Then explicitly tell him that his chances of ever getting it up are as much as Tibet getting free from China. None. To drop a gigantic blow to his rich sense of self, say that he’s unattractive and should do something to cut down his belly fat and wax off the hair from his knuckles. In the grit to impress you, he will start hitting the gym and wreck his knees while running on the treadmill. He’ll go to the hospital and escape death and sit on a wheelchair. Then his wife will start looking after him while her boy-toy will cuckold the oldie right under his nose in his own bedroom with him tied to his wheelchair. Very graphic, no?

This guy is also known as the one-sided admirer of feminine beauty. He has been raised on cinema where it is portrayed that determination and hard work are the only keys to getting laid and female choice is a mythical thing like the unicorn. He sees your posts because he likes them. For your information, he also knows your place of stay because he not only follows you on-screen but in real life too. He talks to all of your friends and knows what you did last summer with that guy you met on Tinder and about the macho man with whom you ended up in the bar’s toilet. But he is very shy to come to speak to you. His signs of shyness are directly correlated to the levels of lust flowing down his private parts and how many minutes he has spent that day jacking off to your smile. He looks ordinary but has some uncool male privilege-dly inherited traits like sexual insecurity, fear of rejection and cutting his wrists if you tell him that his hairy balls don’t deserve your touch. He’ll then ask you to touch them because, for your validation and vagina, he can always shave them. Exactly at that moment, ask him to leave. Shout while you do this and do it loudly enough that his sense of proud gets out via his leaking gut and bladder. He’ll go home crying like an infant and later on cut both his wrists and die drowning in his own blood. You’ll have some guilt but he won’t bother you with “Secret Santa” like games and tri-annually drunk texting you “Wano Frnds”.

You’ll find him on Tinder and all other dating apps and places where self-praising dudes hang around to give themselves an ego boost. They don’t have any look as such but some mannerisms are specific to this breed of guys. One, he’ll talk to you for you to listen and be swoon over your feet so that you end up telling him how smart he is. All this while he is showcasing you his amazing storytelling skills, he is also imagining how shut your mouth is even though his little one is not yet inside it. Second, he’ll ask you questions about relationships to make sure how emotional you are in order to maintain an appropriate distance from you post the act of ejaculating inside you. Third, he’ll make sure to portray an image of his life being larger than life so that you pay the bills of his beers and cigarettes, and if you’re really miss-fortunate, pay his monthly rent after he fucks you every night for a month and depletes all your vaginal fluid reserves. The way to get him to truly disappear from your head is to start seeing a therapist. To knock him out from your life, propose marriage before having sex with him the next time he wants you to come home for “Intimate Talk” on his couch. When he asks why say because you were raised as a nun during childhood years and still operate on those conservative values. Fuckbois can smell an eager cat (I mean pussy) from a mile away but if the one next to them demands wedlock and not a finger fuck, they’ll vanish into their self-obsessed lives before the genie can get back to its lamp. Then you can go to Tinder once again and find another Fuckboi for “Intimate talk” on the couch.

This is the exact reverse archetype of that guy who has made you pursue him like a stalker and a loser combined together. Aww, he is so handsome. This is what is said about his pictures by heterosexual women (also homosexual men and bi’s) all around you. Having a crush simply means he is not giving a second thought to the fact that you wish to do naughty things with him like play with his hair when he is kissing your labia lips. The best way here is to buy a six-pack of beer, get drunk and shout at the sky for making him who he is and who you are. A crush-worthy guy far from the reach of an average girl. Later on, you can be a bitch about him being so dashing and outlandishly sexy and also a master of words. Talking about demand and supply in romantic relationships and how the mating market is corrupted to not cater to the needs of physical beauty deprived girls like yourself, you can pass out to let the drunk night pass on. In the middle of your sleeping while being awake position, invite a loser to your place who just texted you “Hello, there?”. I forgot to tell you that losers also have a broadcast list for follow-ups where “Hello, there?” and “How’s Life?” messages are regularly sent. That loser will show up at your door in a matter of few minutes and without answering any of his questions, fuck him in the best possible way to vent out your frustration. After you wake up in the afternoon, he’ll be ready to marry you. Kick him in the butt and throw him out of your house and live with this trauma for the rest of your life. Your crush in that instance, he will laugh react at one of your FB posts. He should go to hell, I agree. He is incapable of understanding your undying love for him. Surely he’s got herpes. I totally am on board with you.

The above was obvious-fuck-ingly a mockery of what might be going on in your life. All the guys out there don’t fall in these six categories. They can be worse. I don’t know them all to know what level of repulsiveness they can invoke among the females of our species and also scare away baby goats. But most of the guys do fit in a combination of these, for example, you can find a potbellied fuckboi charming the hell out of a recently-started-menstruating school girl. Or you may find the loser who turns into a stalker and commits suicide by dying naked under your car because of rat-poison consumption. A wise person once said that the origin of man was nature’s mistake at plotting the pros of cons of creating the human race. And the cases studies outlined in the previous two thousand words only go on to prove how wise that person was and why abortion should be legal all through the nine months of pregnancy and why some kids are better not born. You know who that wise person is? Exactly. Now go and send “Had dinner. What about you?” to your crush and see him post Boomerang of party pics with girls whose bust is bigger than the watermelon you ate in dinner. I am very rude. I know. Your crush has not replied. He’s handsome nevertheless. Fuck him. Oops, you can’t.