It takes a lot of effort to be effortless, a wise man once said. There comes a time in your life when salty water drops are stuck behind the 2.3 diameter rotating balls embedded in the holes in your skull. Unfortunately, they are held back. Those salty water drops want to freely explore the periphery of your cheeks that once used to be rosy red. Now that arena is closed off with a mighty powerful force that seems to trap those salty drops of pain. It is never ever about not trying that hurts, because you know you’ll be where you are when you won’t try. What makes a devastatingly serious impact on your desires and ambitions is the very fact and feeling that you tried. There’s no trying, ever. Either you do, or you don’t. As another wise man puts it, either it’s hell yes or no. There’s no trying. There’s nothing more that you need to know once this wise piece of existential knowledge for human beings is in your head. You wonder what they call it when there is an overwhelming urge to break out of yourself and be born again. You wish to be born again. Naive yet wise. Innocent yet bold. But then you know none of that is happening and you lose yourself in the process of creating yourself.
Fuck everything. That’s the only thing that comes to your mind when you sleep more than nine hours every night and soulfully indulge in two one and a half hour naps every day when you don’t go out. When you can’t handle yourself and stay focused after 2 pm, you know there is some trouble with you. Rather than thinking about your choices and improving on them, you procrastinate and give in to the life of comfort that you love, and secretly hate. Fuck everything, that’s what comes to your mind
The fan isn’t making the room cool and airy enough. The blanket is too warm. Fruits have lost their juice. Rice is too sticky. Underwear is not as red as it used to be a few months back. You are not the same person you once were when you used to pee in your underpants. But then who cares to care enough about oneself when there’s some great video on YouTube to watch. That is not useful, everybody knows, but who wants to face the face of devil especially when smartphones are available to bury thy sadness. Blaming media and culture is good. At least that takes away responsibility from oneself when you know deep down in your lungs that every breath you take in, that is for your own good. You know, and then you feel lost.
That marvellously trim waisted wide hip buxom woman you saw last evening who was wearing those shiny silver anklets and had red-painted toe nails, pounding her pussy will not give you satisfaction. No amount of bodily fluid exchange can get you out of this emotional roller coaster. No matter how much you pray and wish for, fairies from mystical heaven with a magic wand aren’t coming to rescue you from yourself. Accept it and put this thought in your head and ass – nothing is going to change. Nothing, repeating once again for there is no available lubricant to shove things in your head. Whatever is the reason for this hollow feeling in your chest that tastes sour in your epiglottis, it has got nothing to do with the world. Despite that, fuck everything, because that is what comes to mind. Mind, that isn’t rested even after it has been shut down with more than enough sleep and woken up with nicotine.
Life seems to have a neutral stance these days. Chasing some kind of entity for a desirable outcome is a great challenge in itself, but it only leads to a frustrated soul. A soul that becomes anti-fragile and can’t even be contented after wanking off to erotic comics. Fuck everything, you say and go for another nap. This will be today’s third, this thought makes you get back up and do some exercise. You do face to wall handstand push-ups and front lever pull-ups with a narrow grip in superset schema. The muscles feel tensed and strong. Ending with neck and back bridges you feel contented. The worst thing happens when your body loses its vigour. Rest all is comparably bearable. You sit with your legs crossed and feel the heart beating and realise how beaten down you are. Beaten not by doing things, but by not doing enough of them. This lack-of-another-opportunity mindset has put you through a series of failures when you know your work is an empirical success.
Wounds that have been inflicted on your psyche can’t be ejaculated in semen via your cock. You wish life was that simple. Living in denial leaves no hope for healing, but knowledge of psychology comes to a standstill when it has to be applied to self. Every passing day gives you a false comforting feeling of joy when you are so far away from your inner self. The child within who once used to walk with dreams, he screams for a tiny bit of mercy. You close your eyes and imagine yourself embracing your three-year old self. And finally you plan to change but will you really stay with it? Thinking about this, an expansive quilt envelopes your body. You feel a shiver pass through your lower rectus abdominis to the balls. And you know this is way more pleasurable than any of the orgasms you’ve had.
Arpit Chhikara 