I’m Tired Of Petitions

Virtual change-makers can’t take a joke from a real human being but sure as hell want to save whales and turtles that they’ve never seen

See The Message Not The Messenger

There are things I dislike. Brinjal, you know. It is yuck. So I don’t eat it. But somethings I dislike, they find my attention. Online petition signers, you know. They are the amoebic equivalent of homo sapiens who effectively gulp the energy out of your brain. I have signed many such bullshit petitions in the hopes of making change. It started when I was 19 and stupid. Facebook and smartphone were new to me. Time was plenty and more than plenty was the bandwidth of our college Wi-Fi. I signed and signed and signed. But did any change happen? I don’t know. I never tracked. I thought my little support made all the difference. Maybe it did. Or maybe I was foolish enough to do believe that I was doing something noble and bigger than myself. 5 years have passed since I last stood in solidarity with any cause that I was unaware of before reading it in a 300-word description. Why? Because Buddha came in my dream and told me that the path to enlightenment is found by those who exchange skills for money and lead a happy life. I immediately gave a high five to Buddha. But every now and then, I was still receiving requests to sign this petition or the other. Poor kids are always malnourished in at least in one fucking country whose location I don’t know on the world map. So I decided it was time for me to shut my nose and dive into the commode from where this shit was originating. And very well I survived with some insights to give back to the world where peace should prevail over hate, acceptance over judgment and compassion over intolerance. Whatever that meant, enjoy the next 8 minutes.

Yeah. India needs to change its stance on mental health. You know what else India needs to change its stance on? Jobless retards who sit all day in front of their screen and share posts as if that is their passion and true calling. You are responsible for your mental health. Don’t bring India into the picture. A nation is way bigger than your abusive upbringing, school’s bullying and lover’s ghosting. Deal with it.

Attraction is more than the colour of a person’s skin. That’s why we should focus on inner beauty, inspiring personality and intellect of a person. Fair and lovely should be more inclusive. But before that happens, what do you think of other unfair things like push-up bras, penis enlargement pills, beard oils, anal bleaching and labiaplasty? Fairness and unicorns don’t exist in the real world. So unfair.

Jheel is counting on me. Why? I don’t know her. She could be a creep. My mother told me to not take toffee from strangers so why should I take their opinions? On top of that, her petition title has the word fortification in it. Her vocabulary makes me feel stupid. I hate people who hurt my mental health by showing off to me their fancy vockablurry. They’re evil Grammar Nazis and make others chew the pages of Oxford dictionary in their classroom chambers. I’m scared. Won’t sign the petition. Won’t even open it.

Our country has 1.35 billion people. About half of them are men. What makes you think that to address such a large population of people, the PM will be convinced by a mere 75,000 signatures? At least aim for 10 million. Assuming that happens, what’s the probability that men with household will listen and obey the instructions of a man who has got no household and calls himself a Fakir? Delusion is a bad habit, folks. On a side note, I want to remind you that your family is your problem to manage. Stop blaming ideologies and culture for every fucking thing and also stop relying on celebs and politicians to get you out of your victimhood.

Cosmetic industry is doing tests on animals. I know it is cruel. Can your vegan mind conceive of any better alternative? No, of course. I’ll tell you an alternative which doesn’t require turning vegan by baptizing yourself with carrot juice. Stop using cosmetics. I follow this except that I use Dove soap, Nycil powder and Head and Shoulders shampoo 3-5 times a week. For your information, a $532 Billion worldwide beauty industry can’t and won’t collapse by the solid support of your 2.5K green and leafy nature-loving heroes. So chill the hell out and avoid pouring coconut milk down your vegan throat. It comes from coconuts which grow in villages. Those villagers who pick these coconuts are severely unpaid and slaved by gigantic corporations to whom you too are a slave. Conspicuous consumerism 101. You thought only you’ve got the jargon and brainpower? Fuck you. I eat omelettes and they’ve made me smart.

Yeah. Makes sense. Why don’t you learn cooking? No food companies will deliver food wrapped in plastic if you’ll take out time to step into the kitchen and do what your mother did for you before you turned into a Netflix binging lazy bum. To make one cup of coffee, about 140 litres of water is used. In the process of growing coffee plant, extracting beans, crushing them, transportation and so on. Think of how much water is being used in all that you order and eat like a pig on a drunk night. Guilt trap set up right.

I feel sorry for this bitch and also for closeted Zoophiles. You know, people who are attracted to animals. The real animal lovers. They don’t have an outlet for their sexual release and this man ended up taming a bitch. Quite literally and insensitively. I hope the next time he’s looking for a partner with canines, consent comes handy and if possible, using a condom will also be good since it can prevent doggy STIs. Dogs are quite notorious when it comes to unprotected sex. I am sure no man wants to end up with a new version of herpes and become a biological father to a pup who partly looks like a human. Condom is a must. On an unrelated note, a bitch is a bitch. Not a she dog.

If you call them influencers, their words are supposed to reach your ears. Not the other way. And if your understanding of this basic idea is incorrect, how do I expect you to be a good teacher who can educate folks with a million followers on petty stuff like gender sensitization? I think you’re foolish-sexual. By the way, critics give film awards to male and female actors. Begin by advocating gender fluidity there first. On an average day, a semi famous star is way more influential than a dude on YouTube with a silver button. No?

Again, if airline guys cared truly about passengers instead of making a ton money, they would give cisgender heterosexual hungry and horny men free food and alcohol and a quick fuck in the bathroom with the air hostess. But they don’t care that much. No banging the hot babes with their skirts up and no free booze. If you can fly, be grateful. Ever since I started shitting in my pants, I’ve been waving bye-bye to aeroplanes when I see them in the sky. Before putting such over the top demands to whom you’re simply a customer in need, get a check on your privilege, you entitled bastards.

School isn’t meant for education. That’s why they charge so much money for things you can easily find in libraries and on Torrent. It is naive to imagine an institution doing something useless like mental wellness hour when their leaders have the gall to blame student outrages and suicides on bad parenting, peer pressure and social media consumption. The solution to some problems is not found at the level of the problem itself. Education system is more complex than the above petition which was created in less than 10 minutes. If school or college is your issue, grow up and drop out. You’ll be mentally fit the very next second.

It doesn’t work like that. Nobody wants to make small talk on the phone before dying. If they’re already in the mood to jump off the balcony, they won’t stop by to say hello. In case they stop, suicide wasn’t gonna take place. It was an act of seeking attention and a false call to action. If you suspect you may be one of those suicidal people, hear me once and for all. Being suicidal is not a real phenomenon. Either someone dies or they don’t. I know I’m a bad person who doesn’t build a safe space around his fellow members of society. Haww. I’ll tell you something mind blowing. Euthanasia is allowed in India only for the terminally ill and not for those who have a metaphorically bleeding heart and self-proclaimed trauma. So if these people are tired of their life and vibe with suicide, who are we to stop them? More haww. Euthanasia is death by consent, in case you didn’t know. Educate yourself, dear BuzzFeed reader.

I pay money for a service or a product. I am also open to paying in exchange for a future commitment if I’ll get anyone of these two in return. Business works this way. Likewise, Ola and Uber should pay these cab drivers only if they agree to work for free in the future. How’s this idea, you rich startup people with venture capitalists lubricating your innovative ass? Thank me later. Even better would be to hire me for business development.

I told you before also. Get out of school and learn how to live life minus the pressure of authority figures and bullies who make you feel small about yourself. Students learning to fight sexual abuse. Makes so much sense. Wow. I wonder why they’re being called students. Shouldn’t we call them warriors?

I don’t know whether it is WWE or WWF. It is a shitty spectators’ shitty sport. Anyways. If John Cena has gone, your 100 signatures won’t bring him back. Only Arnold The Terminator Schwarzenegger comes back. It is my request to this guy to stop smoking more weed than what his head can manage. That way, there’ll be fewer irrational petitions like this.

Again. Your 100 signatures won’t compel Joe Rogan aka King of Podcasting to do what you want him to do. Get some sleep. I’ve heard it helps with proper brain functioning.

I can’t even say anything. Miss hygiene freak is asking people to clean the shit of their pets. That’s a bold thing to ask for. The only person who’ll effectively do this job is a Zoophile who occasionally fingers their little one in the butt. I assume they must be very particular of not letting shit stick to their finger. Some of those Zoophiles might even have a fetish for cleaning pet poop. They’ll clean that up from roads too. Go and do a little market research, lady. I’ve already given you a remarkable free advise. It won’t be hard to find 100 Zoophiles who love surrounding themselves with shit. Ahem.

Save mother nature. Yeah, why not? I was born from Earth’s core and not my mother’s womb. When I have failed to impress my real mother, I can’t imagine myself making mother Earth proud. Beyond the scope of my calibre. Instead, I’ll stop using my smartphone for one hour every day. That will save electricity which goes into charging it. How’s this for a little contribution? I’m a climate change activist now. Yeah.

When Mukesh Ambani gave free SIM to people all over the country and later on made the services paid, he’s pretty much owning your arse since then. Stop worrying about Arsenal so much. Sports are basically a legal form of gambling for the rich which poor people watch in the name of fandom. Unless you’re being paid by Arsenal to help them with their stocks and funding, your fandom is useless. Get a life.

This is so smart. I don’t even have words. 100 people want to change the way media works. If you pick any minute of the day, a TV channel office will have at least 100 people in its smoking area during that minute. Now add all the news channels which this guy has a problem with. You get thousands of people working towards a shared goal of reporting, creating and falsifying information. And this petition dude has only received 9 signatures. It is never a good idea to fight the battle you’ve already lost. If standards of news are so poor, how are these media houses still up and running? Because fuckers like you watch it and then cry about it. All the best in being misinformed and all.

I’ll call it a day. I’m done. This had to come to an end because with every passing second, some loser somewhere is thinking about bringing a revolution. The best way to do that is to start petitions on Change.org and write stuff on Facebook because your opinion matters. Or so you think. Let me tell you what your momma didn’t tell you while growing up. You’re one in 7.8 billion. And just like every other self-loving affirmations narrating wannabee, you too feel you’re special. This makes nobody special. Surprised, huh? Paste this on the wall in your room. Write this in the diary you keep under your pillow. Maybe then you’ll stop sharing your opinions. Maybe then the world will be a better place where everybody will have a voice within them which will not find ways to express itself. Some voices belong to mouths whose owners should regularly practice the art of shutting the fuck up.

We’ll talk soon. Till then, keep on standing in solidarity. If your legs hurt after standing for too long, apply Volini but don’t throw away the plastic tube because it will be consumed by a homeless bitch who’ll later fart. That’ll excite a Zoophile who’ll rape her. Media being poor in their standards will cover this and there will be mental health troubles. Kids will get full of anger and beat each other and schools will be unsafe. Blah blah blah.

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