I did create man but with sufficient time at his disposal, he worked hard to make a fool out of himself
– Almighty
The only thing more disgraceful than handing over your business cards to unknown people in a public event is to spill wine on a woman’s dress. Nevertheless, what I have often seen happening is the former so the worst is yet to come. Ladies and gentleman, let me walk you through the path on which several have walked with a panache that was backed up by concrete knowledge gathered from “How to Win Friends and Influence People”. None of those walkers reached their destination since they forgot what common sense was because it doesn’t appear in the online course called “The Secret to Successful Networking”. Now that some base is ready, we’ll move to insults. A month back, I was in an event where a talk was delivered and a discussion followed. Humblebrag sort of small chats happened during the tea-drinking cum showing off your status (read testicle size) session. In those three hours, a series of incidents occurred which led me to conclude what should not be done to impress people when you are meeting them for the first time. I thought I might share those learnings with you because I don’t want you to disappoint me if we coincidentally see each other somewhere.
To start with, a tiny piece of advice that is quite fucking obviously forgotten, don’t boast. Never ever do that. Once you start telling me how many followers you have on your shit smeared Instagram profile, I’ll reply by telling you the count of my pubic hair. Either of the two is not much but we can always lie about it. Then an epic brag battle will start off between us which will go on until both of us end up hating each other and have to self-proclaimly remind ourselves that we are the winner indeed. At the event, one man did exactly this and on top of that, he went to the heights of throwing names of big people as soon as he opened his mouth in the Q and A session. Folks, I kid you not. He was specifically the kind of person that even a penny collector like me wouldn’t wanna be friends with. You can imagine how much he sucked just by considering the fact that “I” am disqualifying him as a potential friend. No wonder he wasn’t surrounded by girls after the event got over. How do I know this? I was talking to a fair-skinned international researcher when he was cringing in the corner with his coffee mug stuck between his teeth. After going back home, he must have enrolled in a personality development class. Or drunk himself to sleep.
If this was not enough, in the same Q and A session, a lady who wanted to answer a query raised her hand and sought approval from the host to stand up. She said, “With your due permission mam, may I propose to shower some light on the idea of conflict that this young man in the second row has proposed to the gathering”. My neurons internally shouted “What the fuck did she just utter” and I turned my head to look back at the face whose throat had the strength to sprout such flowery fluff. She was looking normal but what caused her to replicate a courtroom plus classroom scenario in a friendly and informal discussion, that causation was beyond my ability to logically and coherently comprehend. I wanted to get myself baptized by listening to her overly sanitized wordplay but later on when I talked to her, I found out that she was a teacher in a business school. Do you have any idea what her students would say to her during extremely urgent urinary situations? If you may allow, the lady of institutional control of this closed setting cum manufacturing unit of corporate slaves, I shall lifelong appreciate your humbleness for sanctioning me to empty my bladder of toxic fluids via the outlet which I presently am clutching between my hairy thighs. A guy would say something like this and in case of girls, “outlet” will get replaced by “pee hole”. On a side note, bonded labour these days has been substituted by jobs where people are expected and required to be nice.
Taking that thread ahead, if fancy words and sugar-laden sentences could charm the wit out of any human being, I would have long ago reached the bed of Nicole Kidman to have sandwiches from her hands. But the mighty skies and my conscience, both have no evidence of such a deed taking place in the past and there is no hope in my heart for such a deed turning real in the coming years. Remember, before you have the urge to move your jaw and get something out by vocal means, the work is already over. Evolution has its roots deep within our brains which still functions in primal and almost primitive ways. Words came way later in our journey from being a bonobo to now being what we are. An evolved Bonobo with a smartphone, that’s who we are today. You know what came before words? Physical threat assessment, signals of virility, battle scars visibility and pheromones to name a few things and to also remind you that I am a very well-read person, at least on these kinds of themes. You can’t beat that hardwired stuff by proudly flaunting about the MBA degree of yours that you got from the university under whose lavish name you have disguised your wish to seek validation from our society. To close with parting words of wisdom, the way to impress people in a public environment is to simply ask them what they do without revealing the girth of your sausage while simultaneously keeping in mind the possibility of them being a vegetarian. Thank you. I hope the next time you go out, you’ll carry zero business cards but return home with a feeling of genuine human connection which shall give you a good night’s supremely wet dreams. And yeah, one final thought. There is no need to text that man you met yesterday for letting him know how great it was to interact with him. If it truly was great, let it sink in and shut the hell up. Now leave. I don’t want your contact details.
Arpit Chhikara 