Finding Freedom In Chaos

You are in a boat. The boat is on the verge of sinking. A small hole of the size of your nostril is visible near your foot. You see a lot of stuff lying around in the boat. It is important but your life is at stake. You begin to throw away the things one item at a time. The boat needs to be freed of unnecessary weight. With every item thrown in water, the boat gets lighter. You make more space for yourself to survive. And finally, you fill up the hole. You insert a small pen into it. The hole is now closed and the boat is not sinking. Everything is under control and you shall live. Gone is the stuff that seemed important but what really was needed was that small pen and nothing else.

I used the strategy described in the above story to save my innocent soul from dying. There was a lot of stuff around me that had to be thrown and discarded and I made the best of my efforts to do that.

I deleted a lot of contacts from my phone book. If you still stay in touch with me, you matter to me. This means people from college, school and social groups who used to sap my energy, they all are gone. And gone are those papers, registers and books that were associated with formal education. When studies are over why should study material be in vicinity? Life seems better altogether with just these two small steps.

Sometimes I wish to get born again (this has got nothing to do with the cult that follows Jesus and believes in Born Again). I want to be naive and small and weak and fragile but born with the wisdom that I presently have. There are a lot of things I would do differently in that new life. Some of them will be:-

• not going to school and college and self-directedly learn
• develop self-esteem from an early age
• build competence by demonstrated performance
• cultivate my skill of writing
• be sexually shame free and discard the nonsensical notions around gender, patriarchy and sexual desire
• develop resilience and openness to experience early on in life
• only devote time to relationships that are liberating and stay out of burdening ones
• stay away from my family of origin
• find a mentor and learn from the mentor

Since this fantasy of another birth is not possible, the above ideas simply stay in my head. But here is this chance to live and this life to survive. To live conscientiously. More acceptingly. And courageously. All these small steps will make this life the life I always wanted to live. Nothing is forever, not even diamonds. What all I have written above, I am presently working on it with total devotion. It is very helpful and it made me realise how I used to waste my time and energy for stupid fucking shit. And then I smile at my past mistakes. We love being our own worst enemies but it makes more sense to be the nurturing parent to our inner child. Afterall, the love and care that we have always craved, only we can give it to ourselves.

On this note, I give up the fantasy of another birth. This birth is enough.

And there remains more freedom to live in joy while still being grateful of the misery in present moment.